{"id":4623,"date":"2019-02-28T11:25:23","date_gmt":"2019-02-28T17:25:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/nafwb.org\/?p=4623"},"modified":"2019-02-28T11:25:23","modified_gmt":"2019-02-28T17:25:23","slug":"the-best-kept-secrets-of-a-happy-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/the-best-kept-secrets-of-a-happy-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"The Best-Kept Secrets of a Happy Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"

By June Critcher<\/strong><\/p>\n

When a husband and wife tell\u00a0me they’ve been married 42 years, I sit up and listen. During\u00a0the fall of 1985 I met such a couple,\u00a0Harvey and Madge Crain, of\u00a0Greeneville, Tennessee.<\/p>\n

Just a few weeks ago my husband\u00a0and I attended a couples’ banquet with\u00a0the Crains. I asked Mr. Crain, “What’s\u00a0the secret to your happy marriage?”<\/p>\n

“We made a life commitment and\u00a0have worked toward making the necessary\u00a0adjustments to make it stick came\u00a0his concise reply.<\/p>\n

Please read his response again and\u00a0notice the key words.\u00a0Even though many marriages fold up\u00a0annually, the good news is that most are\u00a0not only surviving, some are actually\u00a0alive and healthy. What keeps these\u00a0couples together?<\/p>\n

1) <\/strong>They have a sense of commitment. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Total commitment! That’s what\u00a0characterizes happily married couples.\u00a0They are so committed to each other\u00a0that they place their relationship above\u00a0their own personal desires.<\/p>\n

Even when they begin to sink in the\u00a0muck of misunderstanding and anger,\u00a0their sense of commitment keeps them\u00a0together. They are committed to making\u00a0their marriage work. Sure, they get\u00a0annoyed with each other, but they\u00a0know God will provide the energy and\u00a0wisdom needed to work through their\u00a0problems.<\/p>\n

They are committed to each other’s\u00a0best interests. They are committed to\u00a0meeting each other’s needs. They are\u00a0committed to love God’s way.<\/p>\n

God’s kind of love is best described\u00a0in I Corinthians 13: I will be patient with\u00a0you. I will be kind to you. I will not be\u00a0rude to you. I will keep no record of\u00a0wrongs. I will not be easily angered with\u00a0you. I will always protect you. I will\u00a0persevere with you.<\/p>\n

A Christian marriage is a commitment\u00a0involving three individuals: husband,\u00a0wife and Jesus Christ.<\/p>\n

2) <\/strong>They enjoy open, honest communication. <\/strong><\/p>\n

They enjoy open, honest communication.\u00a0Next to the couple’s commitment to\u00a0Jesus Christ, the most significant ingredient\u00a0to marital happiness is good communication.\u00a0When husband and wife\u00a0communicate effectively, they use verbal\u00a0and nonverbal means to express\u00a0their ideas and feelings.<\/p>\n

Happily married couples enjoy both\u00a0small talk as well as times of sharing\u00a0their innermost fears and feelings. They\u00a0have so fine-tuned their own feelings\u00a0that they are not afraid to risk the vulnerability\u00a0that often opens the lid to a\u00a0Pandora’s Box.<\/p>\n

The good listener listens without his\u00a0motor running, is not thinking about\u00a0what she is going to say, does not interrupt,\u00a0accepts what is said without being\u00a0critical or judgmental, listens patiently,\u00a0maintains eye contact, and listens with concern.\u00a0The good listener is listening for\u00a0feelings behind the words.<\/p>\n

Couples must take time to communicate.\u00a0Many couples plan a weekly\u00a0date\u2014that special time just for the two\u00a0of them. They even mark it on their\u00a0calendar to be sure nothing interferes\u00a0with this important appointment.<\/p>\n

As we speak the truth in love, we\u00a0must be sure our love equals the truth\u00a0we are speaking. Meaningful communication\u00a0includes good listening, good\u00a0timing, openness, honesty and a humble\u00a0spirit.<\/p>\n

3) <\/strong>They accept each other (with no strings attached).<\/strong><\/p>\n

Happily married couples do not put\u00a0each other on a certain performance\u00a0level. Instead, they unconditionally\u00a0accept each other. As believers in Jesus\u00a0Christ, they base their acceptance of\u00a0each other on Christ’s acceptance of\u00a0them. Romans 3:21-22 is a forceful\u00a0reminder that God accepts us just as we\u00a0are.<\/p>\n

Happily married partners accept\u00a0differences in each other. The introvert\u00a0accepts the extrovert while the outgoing\u00a0partner accepts the one who is shy.\u00a0The perfectionist accepts the sloppy\u00a0mate (while desperately hoping for a\u00a0drastic change). The take-charge sergeant\u00a0accepts the calm, relaxed private.\u00a0The detailed wife accepts her man of\u00a0few words. They have learned that\u00a0being different does not mean being\u00a0wrong.<\/p>\n

They talk about their differences, and\u00a0in honest communication they learn to\u00a0accept these differences. They take their\u00a0weaknesses to the Holy Spirit and submit\u00a0to His control so He will reproduce\u00a0the character of Christ in their lives. The\u00a0Holy Spirit offers a strength for every\u00a0weakness if we only let Him dominate\u00a0our lives (See Galatians 5:22-23).<\/p>\n

4) <\/strong>They appreciate and affirm each other. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Rather than take each other for\u00a0granted, happily married couples say,\u00a0“Thank you,\u201d and they say it often. They\u00a0base their appreciation for each other\u00a0not on feelings, but as a matter of will\u00a0and attitude they say, “Thanks.”<\/p>\n

“Thank you” is expressed in different\u00a0ways\u2014verbally, with a hug, with a small\u00a0gift, in a note.<\/p>\n

Hearts filled with gratitude always\u00a0look for ways to encourage each other.\u00a0One effective means of encouragement\u00a0is for partners to affirm each other. To\u00a0affirm is to tell our mate what we admire\u00a0about him and about the things he\u00a0does. “One of the things I admire about\u00a0you is that you are such an understanding\u00a0person.” “I admire you for keeping\u00a0your appetite under control.” “I respect\u00a0you for taking a stand for biblical principles\u00a0on your job.\u201d<\/p>\n

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5) <\/strong>They work toward intimacy. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Becoming one flesh was God’s idea.\u00a0And when two people become one\u00a0flesh, they know the real meaning of\u00a0intimacy, oneness, and togetherness.<\/p>\n

Couples who work toward intimacy\u00a0take pleasure in their mates. They enjoy\u00a0each other’s presence. They like each\u00a0other so much they are best friends.\u00a0Best friends have shared interests. Happily\u00a0married couples enjoy both separate\u00a0and shared activities. They find pain\u00a0in being separated (even though these\u00a0times are quite necessary to a happy\u00a0marriage) and pleasure in being\u00a0together.<\/p>\n

Happily married couples find ways to\u00a0share in relationships with each other;\u00a0consequently their love deepens. But\u00a0sharing has a high price tag\u2014each mate\u00a0must give of self, each listens lovingly\u00a0to the other, each is aware of the other’s\u00a0needs and then acts in love to meet\u00a0those needs. This intimacy must be\u00a0what God had in mind when He\u00a0directed the husband and wife to\u00a0become one flesh.<\/p>\n

6) <\/strong>They know what communicates love to their mate.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Each mate speaks a different language\u00a0of love. Happy is the couple who\u00a0knows what communicates love to each\u00a0other.<\/p>\n

A mother needs help with grocery\u00a0shopping, the car pool, children\u2019s activities,\u00a0house cleaning. The husband may\u00a0need a backrub, help with typing, a\u00a0helping hand on his basement project.<\/p>\n

Sometimes a spouse has an emotional\u00a0need: a shoulder to cry on, a\u00a0word of encouragement, a treat out to\u00a0dinner.<\/p>\n

Most wives enjoy hearing their husbands\u00a0verbalize their love for them. “I\u00a0love you so much.” Or “Thanks for\u00a0ministering to my needs last week by\u00a0being such a good listener.”<\/p>\n

Men, it seems, derive a tremendous\u00a0amount of self-worth from being\u00a0respected. They need to be admired for\u00a0their skills, job performance, even the\u00a0way they care for their bodies (by eating\u00a0nutritious meals and exercising regularly).\u00a0The thoughtful wife verbalizes\u00a0respect in front of the children; her\u00a0example teaches them to respect Dad.<\/p>\n

Just being in each other’s presence\u00a0communicates love\u2014walking in the\u00a0park, jogging down the street, relaxing\u00a0on the couch after dinner (or after the\u00a0children are in bed), sitting by the lake\u00a0or whatever.<\/p>\n

Women like little gifts, too. Even\u00a0though the wife wants her husband\u00a0more than his gifts, she also enjoys\u00a0those little gifts that say, “You are so special\u00a0and I love you.”<\/p>\n

7) <\/strong>They fight by the rules.<\/strong><\/p>\n

All marriage partners disagree (or\u00a0argue, fight, whatever you want to call\u00a0it), whether they’ve been married one\u00a0year or 50. No two people will always\u00a0see everything alike. In fact, it’s\u00a0unreasonable to expect two people, just\u00a0because they are married to each other,\u00a0to always want to do the same thing in\u00a0the same way.<\/p>\n

Happily married couples become\u00a0skilled at fighting fairly. They deal with\u00a0the conflict promptly, as soon as it raises\u00a0its ugly head. They remember common\u00a0courtesy while fighting. (The lower the\u00a0voice, the more the other person hears.)\u00a0They get to the root of the problem.\u00a0(Overblown responses to small irritations\u00a0are sometimes symptomatic of a\u00a0more serious problem.) They stick to\u00a0one problem at a time. They speak the\u00a0truth in love (See Ephesians 4:15, 25).\u00a0They are sure they can back up every\u00a0statement or accusation with fact. They\u00a0avoid making indirect statements.<\/p>\n

They face each other as they discuss\u00a0the problem. Some couples even agree\u00a0to hold hands while fighting (which\u00a0means the boxing gloves stay in the\u00a0closet). Touching reminds the couple\u00a0that they are more important than the\u00a0problem.<\/p>\n

They attack the problem, not their\u00a0mate. By focusing on the problem, they\u00a0can see the situation from their mate’s\u00a0viewpoint and consider a healthy\u00a0compromise.<\/p>\n

They even try humor. They don’t\u00a0laugh at each other; they laugh at the\u00a0silliness of the situation.<\/p>\n

Each accepts responsibility for his\u00a0own attitude and actions and assumes\u00a0responsibility for his contribution to the\u00a0problem.<\/p>\n

They work toward reconciliation. This\u00a0is the goal\u2014not to establish who’s right,\u00a0nor to change their mate. Each one says\u00a0in attitude, “You are more important to\u00a0me than establishing my rightness in this\u00a0situation.”<\/p>\n

When conflict is resolved, there\u00a0should never be a loser. If there is, the\u00a0loser will grow resentful and determine\u00a0to win the next fight.<\/p>\n

8) <\/strong>They are more concerned about meeting their mate\u2019s needs than having their own needs met. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Before each partner can meet the\u00a0needs of the other, needs should be\u00a0expressed. Some days the need will be\u00a0physical, other days emotional. Open,\u00a0honest communication is vital to having\u00a0one’s needs met.<\/p>\n

Often, a mate will complain, “You\u00a0never want to just sit on the couch with\u00a0me anymore. You’re always too busy to\u00a0spend time with me.\u201d (Incidentally,\u00a0\u201calways” and “never” are deadly poison\u00a0and kill any signs of communication that\u00a0may have been blooming.)<\/p>\n

Rather than criticize or complain, the\u00a0more effective approach would be to\u00a0admit, “I need to know that you care\u00a0about my physical needs. Taking care\u00a0of Mother the past two weeks was such\u00a0a draining experience.”<\/p>\n

The more needs each mate meets in\u00a0the other, the stronger the relationship\u00a0becomes. (See Luke 6:38.)<\/p>\n

9) <\/strong>They trust each other.<\/strong><\/p>\n

In interviews with more than 100\u00a0couples for her book, Married People<\/em>,\u00a0Francine Klagsbrun noted that they\u00a0mention trust more than love. “Love was\u00a0a given for them,\u201d she observes, “but\u00a0trust really says it all: It means you can\u00a0open up to another person and not be\u00a0hurt. In a good marriage there’s so much\u00a0trust that each partner can show his\u00a0weakest side and know he’ll still be\u00a0loved\u201d<\/p>\n

Klagsbrun observed that most of the\u00a0partners who spoke of trust also brought\u00a0up the subject of fidelity. Almost without\u00a0exception, the two went hand in\u00a0hand. Absolute faithfulness is vital to a\u00a0healthy relationship. Each mate must\u00a0determine to be faithful in his or her\u00a0thoughts, attitudes and actions.<\/p>\n

Nothing is more damaging to a marriage\u00a0than sexual promiscuity. (The wife,\u00a0particularly, needs the security that\u00a0comes from knowing her husband is\u00a0faithful to her.) Don’t discuss your mate\u00a0behind his back. Don’t correct your mate\u00a0in public. Don\u2019t criticize your mate. Don’t\u00a0put your mate down.<\/p>\n

10) <\/strong>They adjust to changes and use changes as a means of continued growth.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Neither trauma nor triumph makes\u00a0couples sad or happy. Rather than say\u00a0pressure causes one to act the way he\u00a0does, it is more accurate to say pressure\u00a0reveals the real person.<\/p>\n

Happily adjusted couples face and\u00a0cope with as many stress-filled situations\u00a0as unhappy couples. But they know\u00a0how to adapt to situations and work\u00a0through them. A few common-sense\u00a0principles help them survive\u2014and even\u00a0thrive on adversity:<\/p>\n

Expect both highs and lows. Believe\u00a0God is bigger than the problem and\u00a0seek His solution. Maintain a good attitude.\u00a0(Someone has suggested life is 10\u00a0percent what happens to us and 90 percent\u00a0how we react to what happens.)<\/p>\n

Seek advice from someone who survived\u00a0the same problem. Be willing to\u00a0make adjustments in your budget,\u00a0schedule or whatever needs adjusting.\u00a0When possible tackle the problem in bite\u00a0sizes. (“It’s a cinch by the inch, but hard\u00a0by the yard\u201d)<\/p>\n

Keep reminding yourself that “marriage\u00a0isn’t so much finding the right person\u00a0as being the right person,\u201d says\u00a0happily married Charlie Shedd.<\/p>\n

Article adapted from Contact<\/em>magazine, October 1987.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By June Critcher When a husband and wife tell\u00a0me they’ve been married 42 years, I sit up and listen. During\u00a0the fall of 1985 I met such a couple,\u00a0Harvey and Madge Crain, of\u00a0Greeneville, Tennessee. Just a few weeks ago my husband\u00a0and I attended a couples’ banquet with\u00a0the Crains. I asked Mr. Crain, “What’s\u00a0the secret to your happy marriage?” “We made a life commitment and\u00a0have worked toward making the necessary\u00a0adjustments to make it stick came\u00a0his concise reply. Please read his response again and\u00a0notice the key words.\u00a0Even though many marriages fold up\u00a0annually, the good news is that most are\u00a0not only surviving, some are actually\u00a0alive and healthy. What keeps these\u00a0couples together? 1) They have a sense of commitment. Total commitment! That’s what\u00a0characterizes happily married couples.\u00a0They are so committed to each other\u00a0that they place their relationship above\u00a0their own personal desires. Even when they begin to sink in the\u00a0muck of misunderstanding and anger,\u00a0their sense of commitment keeps them\u00a0together. They are committed to making\u00a0their marriage work. Sure, they get\u00a0annoyed with each other, but they\u00a0know God will provide the energy and\u00a0wisdom needed to work through their\u00a0problems. They are committed to each other’s\u00a0best interests. They are committed to\u00a0meeting each other’s needs. They are\u00a0committed to love God’s way. God’s kind […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4623","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-pastors"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4623","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4623"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4623\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4624,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4623\/revisions\/4624"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4623"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4623"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4623"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}