{"id":4603,"date":"2019-02-28T11:16:08","date_gmt":"2019-02-28T17:16:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/nafwb.org\/?p=4603"},"modified":"2019-02-28T11:16:08","modified_gmt":"2019-02-28T17:16:08","slug":"a-marriage-survival-toolkit","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/a-marriage-survival-toolkit\/","title":{"rendered":"A Marriage Survival Toolkit"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Eddie Moody<\/strong><\/p>\n

The divorce rate in the United\u00a0States has remained stable over\u00a0the past two decades, with half\u00a0of all marriages ending in divorce.\u00a0Nevada has the highest\u00a0divorce rate followed by Tennessee,\u00a0Arkansas, Alabama and Oklahoma,\u00a0all in the Bible Belt. All southern states\u00a0except South Carolina exceeded the\u00a0national average of 4.2 divorces per\u00a0every 1,000 residents in 1998.<\/p>\n

The lmpact of Divorce <\/strong><\/p>\n

There are many negative consequences\u00a0of divorce.\u00a0 International studies\u00a0indicate that people \u00a0who divorce\u00a0have a mortality rate ten times higher\u00a0than people the same age who are married.\u00a0Divorced people are also three\u00a0times more likely to commit suicide.<\/p>\n

Children in homes impacted by\u00a0divorce also suffer. Several studies\u00a0have detailed the impact divorce has\u00a0on children’s grades and self-concept,\u00a0but more troubling is the impact\u00a0on children’s life expectancy.\u00a0On average, children whose parents\u00a0divorced die sooner than those from\u00a0homes not impacted by divorce.<\/p>\n

Concern over the impact of divorce\u00a0has resulted in some states abolishing\u00a0“no fault” divorces and the Governor of\u00a0Oklahoma has called upon pastors and\u00a0clergy to only marry couples who have\u00a0taken a marriage preparation course.<\/p>\n

The Case for Marriage Preparation<\/strong><\/p>\n

But should we offer such courses?\u00a0The average marriage lasts seven\u00a0years and 200,000 marriages end yearly\u00a0after the second anniversary. It\u00a0seems that the “seven-year itch” is\u00a0something to look at and it’s probably\u00a0no coincidence that many marriages\u00a0end after the second year. These seem\u00a0to be critical periods in the lives of couples\u00a0that they should be prepared for\u00a0instead of going through blindly.<\/p>\n

But the strongest evidence for\u00a0marital preparation is derived from\u00a0the work of Dr. John Gottman of the\u00a0University of Washington and some\u00a0of his colleagues throughout the\u00a0United States over the last 20 years.\u00a0After conducting interviews with\u00a0couples before they married, they\u00a0were able to predict with 950% accuracy\u00a0marriages that would fail.<\/p>\n

Even during the bliss of courtship\u00a0there was evidence of disastrous ways\u00a0of communicating (i.e., escalation, criticism,\u00a0contempt, defensiveness and\u00a0stonewalling) which have been found\u00a0to be toxic poisons to marriages.\u00a0Maybe some preparation work prior to\u00a0marriage would have helped these\u00a0couples avoid these pitfalls.<\/p>\n

Premarital Resources<\/strong><\/p>\n

You may be convinced that premarital\u00a0counseling needs to be offered but\u00a0at a loss about where to start. I suggest\u00a0a set of videos published by Gospel\u00a0Light by Norman Wright called “How\u00a0to Do Premarital Counseling.”<\/p>\n

Dr. Wright discusses and demonstrates\u00a0how to provide effective premarital\u00a0counseling. He challenges\u00a0the viewer to set high standards for\u00a0premarital preparation because the\u00a0stakes are so high. Individuals who\u00a0do not wish to do the work to prepare\u00a0for their marriage don’t have to\u00a0get married at our church.<\/p>\n

The series consists of three videotapes,\u00a0each around two hours. The\u00a0first two tapes consist of Dr. Wright\u00a0discussing premarital counseling with\u00a0counseling sessions interspersed to\u00a0demonstrate the concept he is discussing.\u00a0The material can be broken\u00a0down into six sections.<\/p>\n

Section one (realities to present to\u00a0premarried couples) involves a discussion\u00a0of how to help couples develop\u00a0realistic expectations and to\u00a0understand what commitrnent really\u00a0involves.<\/p>\n

Section two (goals and structure\u00a0for premarital counseling) involves an\u00a0exploration of the purpose of premarital\u00a0counseling and excellent questions\u00a0that should be posed to couples.<\/p>\n

In section three (examples of\u00a0church premarital programs), viewers can see sample approaches used\u00a0by churches. Dr. Wright also discusses\u00a0how small churches have joined\u00a0together to provide effective premarital\u00a0preparation.<\/p>\n

Section four (ideas for planning successful marriages) involves preparing\u00a0for the first year of marriage. Couples\u00a0are asked to partner with married couples\u00a0and begin to work with them. The\u00a0experienced couple serves as mentors\u00a0to the new couple.<\/p>\n

Section five (exploration of couples’\u00a0motivation to marry) involves the couple exploring why they should get married\u00a0now and their reasons for marrying.<\/p>\n

In section six (areas of potential\u00a0conflict in marriage) couples prepare\u00a0and submit a sample budget and discuss finances.<\/p>\n

The remaining material involves\u00a0sessions with four couples. Some of\u00a0them have difficult problems. They allow\u00a0the viewer to see how Dr. Wright\u00a0skillfully deals with difficult subjects. Although\u00a0the viewer will not be able to\u00a0implement all of the skills used by Dr.\u00a0Wright, they can use some of the strategies in sessions and learn activities to\u00a0implement in the church to help couples.\u00a0The videos demonstrates an excellent\u00a0model of premarital counseling.<\/p>\n

Now That They Are Married<\/strong><\/p>\n

How can you help people in troubled\u00a0marriages? There are some important statistics to consider when\u00a0problems arise in a marriage. Seventy-six percent of all second marriages,\u00a087% of all third marriages and\u00a093% of all fourth marriages end in divorce.\u00a0The marriage the individual is\u00a0in has the best chance for success.<\/p>\n

But how can we help people who\u00a0have made a mess of their marriage\u00a0through infidelity and other serious\u00a0problems? Couples should start by\u00a0discussing their difficulties with their\u00a0pastors, but there will be times when\u00a0pastors will lack expertise and time\u00a0to deal with couples who have serious\u00a0problems.<\/p>\n

It is important to identify a competent\u00a0Christian marriage and family\u00a0therapist, psychologist, licensed professional\u00a0counselor or licensed clinical\u00a0social worker in your community.<\/p>\n

Article adapted from Contact\u00a0<\/em>magazine, March 2000.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Eddie Moody The divorce rate in the United\u00a0States has remained stable over\u00a0the past two decades, with half\u00a0of all marriages ending in divorce.\u00a0Nevada has the highest\u00a0divorce rate followed by Tennessee,\u00a0Arkansas, Alabama and Oklahoma,\u00a0all in the Bible Belt. All southern states\u00a0except South Carolina exceeded the\u00a0national average of 4.2 divorces per\u00a0every 1,000 residents in 1998. The lmpact of Divorce There are many negative consequences\u00a0of divorce.\u00a0 International studies\u00a0indicate that people \u00a0who divorce\u00a0have a mortality rate ten times higher\u00a0than people the same age who are married.\u00a0Divorced people are also three\u00a0times more likely to commit suicide. Children in homes impacted by\u00a0divorce also suffer. Several studies\u00a0have detailed the impact divorce has\u00a0on children’s grades and self-concept,\u00a0but more troubling is the impact\u00a0on children’s life expectancy.\u00a0On average, children whose parents\u00a0divorced die sooner than those from\u00a0homes not impacted by divorce. Concern over the impact of divorce\u00a0has resulted in some states abolishing\u00a0“no fault” divorces and the Governor of\u00a0Oklahoma has called upon pastors and\u00a0clergy to only marry couples who have\u00a0taken a marriage preparation course. The Case for Marriage Preparation But should we offer such courses?\u00a0The average marriage lasts seven\u00a0years and 200,000 marriages end yearly\u00a0after the second anniversary. It\u00a0seems that the “seven-year itch” is\u00a0something to look at and it’s probably\u00a0no coincidence that many […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4603","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-pastors"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4603","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4603"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4603\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4604,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4603\/revisions\/4604"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4603"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4603"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4603"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}