{"id":4329,"date":"2019-02-27T14:13:53","date_gmt":"2019-02-27T20:13:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/nafwb.org\/?p=4329"},"modified":"2019-02-27T14:13:53","modified_gmt":"2019-02-27T20:13:53","slug":"when-divorce-comes-to-church","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/when-divorce-comes-to-church\/","title":{"rendered":"When Divorce Comes to Church"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Jim McAllister<\/strong><\/p>\n

They stood before me proud,\u00a0excited and obviously very\u00a0much in love. There seemed\u00a0to be nothing but happiness\u00a0ahead of them. They were\u00a0young but mature. They were Christians\u00a0and members of the church.\u00a0They were friends of the pastor and\u00a0closely involved with many key\u00a0members of the church. They both\u00a0had good jobs, and their first home\u00a0was a nice house in the suburbs, not\u00a0much trouble anticipated here. They\u00a0should live happily ever after.<\/p>\n

But something happened.I was\u00a0no longer their pastor, in fact, I didn’t\u00a0even live in the same state, but something\u00a0happened. I heard that they had\u00a0separated, then divorced. They had\u00a0a child, and he was now the survivor\u00a0of a divided home. Their friends,\u00a0including myself, all wondered what\u00a0could have happened.<\/p>\n

Through the years I have seen several\u00a0couples who should have made\u00a0a success of marriage, but they\u00a0failed. I have seen deacons, evangelists, pastors, denominational leaders\u00a0and church laymen fail at obtaining\u00a0marital bliss.<\/p>\n

What is the problem? This divorce\u00a0problem among fundamental, Bible-believing\u00a0Christians is reaching epidemic\u00a0proportion.<\/p>\n

I have been fortunate. In 36 years\u00a0of pastoring upwards of 3,000 members\u00a0in five churches, I have only had\u00a0three divorces occur in the churches\u00a0under my pastorate. I say fortunate\u00a0because I consider divorce in the\u00a0church family one of the greatest\u00a0tragedies that can happen to that\u00a0congregation. My record of only\u00a0three divorces in 36 years will probably\u00a0be changing because of the\u00a0present attitude of people toward\u00a0divorce.<\/p>\n

Hard Questions <\/strong><\/p>\n

It is understandable that the unsaved\u00a0world should take lightly the\u00a0marriage vow and walk away from\u00a0responsibilities. One can readily see\u00a0how the ungodly would become unfaithful\u00a0and fall into the evil trap of\u00a0adultery. It makes sense that the unrighteous\u00a0would lie, deceive or be\u00a0deceived.<\/p>\n

We should not be surprised that\u00a0they would count their commitment\u00a0as nothing and break their marriage\u00a0promise. Divorce should not be a\u00a0surprise in this day of ungodliness\u00a0and unbelief. They live together outside\u00a0marriage and make morality a\u00a0joke. Why wouldn’t they bring additional\u00a0shame on God’s plan for man\u00a0and woman and divorce their mates?\u00a0But what can be happening to the\u00a0Christians? Why do Christian leaders\u00a0and their wives act like the unsaved?\u00a0Why would they go so far that they\u00a0would disregard the laws of the One\u00a0who makes them different?<\/p>\n

I was counseling a preacher and\u00a0his wife. Suddenly the wife said,\u00a0“Brother Jim, you think I don’t like\u00a0my husband. That isn’t true. I hate\u00a0my husband.”<\/p>\n

That’s pretty heavy stuff for a person\u00a0who claims to be an Arminian.\u00a0Someone very dear to me said, “You\u00a0preach and teach Arminianism, but\u00a0live like Calvinists.”<\/p>\n

What is the church’s responsibility\u00a0in this matter? How do we minister to\u00a0the divorced? How do we counsel\u00a0those considering divorce? How\u00a0do we prevent divorce? These are\u00a0serious questions, and we pastors\u00a0face these questions almost daily.<\/p>\n

Tell the Truth in Love <\/strong><\/p>\n

First, the church does have a responsibility.\u00a0The pastor must be diligent\u00a0in preaching against adultery,\u00a0immorality, divorce and the promiscuous\u00a0life style. But we must not drop\u00a0a bomb on an anthill. We may be\u00a0doing that.<\/p>\n

We need to preach our doctrine\u00a0unashamedly as it pertains to matters\u00a0of morals, modesty, marriage\u00a0and divorce. However, we also must\u00a0preach and teach strongly on the\u00a0subject of love and commitment. I\u00a0am convinced that divorce is a sin\u00a0and the result of sin.<\/p>\n

No person should have to tolerate\u00a0infidelity or endure abuse, but somehow\u00a0we are failing to convey to our\u00a0youth, as well as adults, the fact that\u00a0lying is a fatal sin and breaking the\u00a0marriage vow is lying. So preaching,\u00a0teaching and counseling are all\u00a0musts for the pastor and church. Failure\u00a0to do these things in an organized\u00a0and biblical manner leaves the\u00a0church with a certain amount of\u00a0blame for the unfortunate things that\u00a0happen.<\/p>\n

Effective Counseling <\/strong><\/p>\n

Second, how do we counsel those\u00a0who are considering divorce? Here’s\u00a0how. Listen to both parties. Prepare\u00a0yourself in advance. Recognize problems\u00a0that are over your head. This is\u00a0no place for an over-inflated ego.\u00a0Stick with the scriptures. After all,\u00a0God does have a lot to say about\u00a0marriage and divorce. You can trust\u00a0His Word.<\/p>\n

Be fair. Don’t suggest anything for\u00a0others to do that you couldn’t do, or\u00a0wouldn’t do. If there is no physical\u00a0abuse involved, I suggest taking\u00a0plenty of time. Divorce lasts a long\u00a0time, so they should be sure. Frequently,\u00a0time works out problems.<\/p>\n

Ounce of Prevention <\/strong><\/p>\n

Third, how do we prevent divorce?\u00a0Every pastor should promote\u00a0a strong Christian and church-oriented\u00a0marriage counseling program.\u00a0Just being a pastor doesn’t necessarily\u00a0make the minister qualified to do\u00a0counseling. While training can be\u00a0secured, it may not always be best\u00a0for the pastor do this work himself.\u00a0It may be a detriment, rather than a\u00a0blessing.<\/p>\n

If the pastor decides this is not his\u00a0ministry, he should find and recommend\u00a0a qualified person for this\u00a0work. The people will need this kind\u00a0of help.<\/p>\n

If the church has a teaching and\u00a0training ministry that prepares people\u00a0for marriage, teaches them how to\u00a0act and react in marriage, and shows\u00a0how to work through marital problems,\u00a0most divorces between Christian\u00a0people can be avoided. I prescribe\u00a0books to read, videos to watch\u00a0and seminars to attend. I teach an\u00a0adult Sunday School class, and this\u00a0class deals with marriage at least\u00a0one-fifth of the Sundays each year.<\/p>\n

Heal the Hurting <\/strong><\/p>\n

Fourth, how do we minister to the\u00a0divorced? Kindly, as we would to an\u00a0injured person. Passionately, as we\u00a0would if they were critically ill.\u00a0Firmly, as we would if they were our\u00a0own children. We must minister\u00a0truthfully, for they must know the\u00a0truth in order to be set free.<\/p>\n

Matthew 5:31-32 and Malachi 2:16\u00a0tell us that God hates divorce, but He\u00a0loves the divorcee. The divorcee is\u00a0an injured person, a sick person, a\u00a0person who hurts deeply. The divorcee\u00a0needs help and must be convinced\u00a0to accept it.<\/p>\n

The pastor and church must be\u00a0adequate for this problem. Classes,\u00a0support groups, seminars, books,\u00a0videos, encounter groups, professional\u00a0curriculum and sermons are\u00a0a few of the helps possible. Probably\u00a0all will be required.<\/p>\n

In conclusion, divorce is a sign of\u00a0failure. It is a result of weakness and\u00a0inadequacy. It is sin. The church\u00a0must preach and teach against it. It\u00a0must be avoided at all costs. But if in\u00a0spite of all the church does, it occurs,\u00a0the divorced one must know that\u00a0there is still a vital place in the church\u00a0for them.<\/p>\n

Make sure they feel wanted. They\u00a0have a wounded spirit and a bruised\u00a0ego. We must revive their will and\u00a0resurrect their hope. They need the\u00a0church now. Make sure we give it to\u00a0them.<\/p>\n

Article adapted from Contact\u00a0<\/em>magazine, July 1994.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Jim McAllister They stood before me proud,\u00a0excited and obviously very\u00a0much in love. There seemed\u00a0to be nothing but happiness\u00a0ahead of them. They were\u00a0young but mature. They were Christians\u00a0and members of the church.\u00a0They were friends of the pastor and\u00a0closely involved with many key\u00a0members of the church. They both\u00a0had good jobs, and their first home\u00a0was a nice house in the suburbs, not\u00a0much trouble anticipated here. They\u00a0should live happily ever after. But something happened.I was\u00a0no longer their pastor, in fact, I didn’t\u00a0even live in the same state, but something\u00a0happened. I heard that they had\u00a0separated, then divorced. They had\u00a0a child, and he was now the survivor\u00a0of a divided home. Their friends,\u00a0including myself, all wondered what\u00a0could have happened. Through the years I have seen several\u00a0couples who should have made\u00a0a success of marriage, but they\u00a0failed. I have seen deacons, evangelists, pastors, denominational leaders\u00a0and church laymen fail at obtaining\u00a0marital bliss. What is the problem? This divorce\u00a0problem among fundamental, Bible-believing\u00a0Christians is reaching epidemic\u00a0proportion. I have been fortunate. In 36 years\u00a0of pastoring upwards of 3,000 members\u00a0in five churches, I have only had\u00a0three divorces occur in the churches\u00a0under my pastorate. I say fortunate\u00a0because I consider divorce in the\u00a0church family one of the greatest\u00a0tragedies that can happen to that\u00a0congregation. My record […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4329","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-pastors"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4329","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4329"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4329\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4330,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4329\/revisions\/4330"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4329"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4329"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nafwb.org\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4329"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}