Navigating the “Caring for Your Parents” Phase of Life

By Merinda Parrish

Traveling across our denomination and sharing with other ministry families this past summer made me more aware of the large number of people providing support care or long-term care for their parents. People face various scenarios at this stage of life: independent parents just beginning to need assistance with bills, transportation, or overseeing medical needs; semi-independent parents needing assisted living or someone close by to check on them daily; parents moving in with family; and parents who need sustained help due to medical or mental issues requiring nursing homes, regular home health, or living with family members who provide consistent care.

While no situation is the same, conversations this past year revealed several common challenges for family members caring for parents. Here are a few of the messages shared by families on this stage of their life journey.

1. Grieve. Allow yourself and your parents the opportunity to grieve the changes occurring. As the “child,” seeing your parents struggle to do things they have always done and realizing your superhero image must be adapted can be devastating. Allow the parent to grieve as they come to terms with changes in their abilities or independence. Grieve together but then focus on the blessings of what they can do and make the most of those abilities.

2. Honor, respect, and provide dignity. With many changes occurring in the caregiving stage, strive to demonstrate honor and respect, even when you must be assertive about medications or necessary tasks. Let them know you love them and want them to have the most productive life possible. Never embarrass or belittle. Help your parents by balancing assistance with enabling them to complete tasks themselves.

3. Know and accept their routine. This is crucial during the “supporting” phase, so you recognize changes in behavior or attitudes as a signal of an underlying medical issue. Understanding their schedule is also helpful when a parent moves in or relocates to assisted living or a nursing home. You can help them maintain routines, establish “normalcy,” and be aware of issues that may arise.

4. Prepare the paperwork. Make sure the caregiver, whether you or someone else, is listed on medical release forms at the doctor’s office. Go to appointments when possible and take notes or record information (ask for permission) and advice given by the doctor for review. Have access or create a patient portal to read health reports and send messages to the doctor.

• Have the tough discussions early about personal care. Will your parent allow you to assist in dressing and helping with hygiene, or do they prefer a nurse? Where do they prefer to spend their last years if possible? What are their funeral and burial wishes? Have final arrangements been made?
  

• Address legal issues before they arrive. Know what your state requires regarding personal assets and long-term care. (Some states require liquidation of most assets to place in long-term facilities. Moving deeds or titles to other family members often must be done five years prior to admittance.) Make sure your parents — and you for that matter — have a will or estate plan, power of attorney (economic as well as medical), and a living will for medical wishes (such as DNR or life support measures).
  

• Keep a list of all medications (name and dosage). It also helps to record the appearance and identifying numbers on pills in case they are dropped. Get to know the pharmacy. Some pre-package meds for daily dosages, and others may deliver.
  

• Keep a list of “issues” daily. Make notes on mental ability (foggy or clear days and their duration), weight (often twice each day if having fluid issues), blood pressure, and water intake. A detailed record will help you and the doctor establish a better picture of what is going on.
  

5. Check daily nutrition. Ensure the parent is eating. (You may have to check both refrigerator and trash can to determine whether food is being eaten.) Dehydration is an enemy; it causes many health and mental issues, so push the water. When possible, eat with your parents. Everyone enjoys a meal better when it is shared! Challenge each other to finish a bottle of water by a certain time. Make it a game, something fun to do.

6. Take them out. Getting out of the house, even just to sit on the porch, can make a world of difference in perspective. During the pandemic, we learned that being cooped up all the time is difficult mentally and emotionally. If they don’t feel like going to a store, just take them for a drive (especially if you are close to places they remember and love). Sit outside and look at the stars or FaceTime distant family members. If they want to go to a store, take them; even if they only pick up one thing, do as much as they feel like doing.

7. Take time to visit as well as serve. Supporting your parents, especially if they live with you, goes beyond caregiving. It involves sharing and spending time together. Laugh together as much as possible. Sit and listen (even if you hear the same story ten thousand times). Ask questions about their past (and write it down). If your parent lives in a care facility, regularly visit at different times in the day to be with them (and to keep a check on what is occurring). Get to know the staff and let them know you are there to see how things are going.

8. Stay in the Word. God strengthens, comforts, and guides us through all the changes we face. Schedules can be busy during this time of caring, so read or listen to Scripture with your parent as you complete your daily routines. Talk about your thoughts on a Scripture verse and ask them to share what they think about it. Make a list of your parents’ favorite songs and hymns to play throughout the day.

9. Take care of yourself. Take a break, sleep, and develop a network of support. Make things simple by ordering groceries online for pickup or having them delivered (unless the store gives you a valid opportunity to leave the house; if so, enjoy the moment and grab a coffee or ice cream while out).

10. Create a broad network of support from family members, neighbors, and church family. When providing support for your parents who don’t live with you, get to know their neighbors. See if the neighbor will share his or her phone number in case you need a quick check on your parent (who isn’t answering the phone).

Many online resources and blogs offer support for the sometimes-difficult journey through this stage of life. SeniorLifestyle.com offers 13 organizations, seven blog sites, 12 government resources, and eight apps to help track and manage care. EldercareLocator.com finds support services in your specific area, and the National Caregiver Network offers lists of support organized by medical conditions, with an instant chat support.

Caring for parents is a journey family members have navigated throughout human history; it is just new to us. Ask your parents about their own experience as caregivers to older family members. Sharing can provide insight for both of you.

Ask the Lord to help you be a picture of Him throughout your caregiving journey. Ask others for prayer and encouragement when you get discouraged or feel overwhelmed. This time of service is only another season of our lives. Let’s use it to make some precious memories, honor our parents, and glorify God together.

About the Writer: Merinda Parrish is adjunct instructor of education and clinical coordinator of education at Welch College. Learn more: welch.edu.