one to one: Lessons about life, ministry, and grandkids

by Keith Burden, Executive Secretary, National Association of Free Will Baptists

A Family Moment

During summer vacation between my sophomore and junior years in high school, I worked for my dad. He was a carpenter by trade. The skills I learned from him have served me well down through the years as I led two churches through major building programs.

It had been an unusually difficult year for my father. Due to escalating costs of building materials and high interest rates for construction loans, the margin of profit was minimal. He was struggling to make ends meet.

It was an especially hot summer day in Oklahoma. We were building a new house from the ground up. The foundation, floor, and walls had been constructed, and we were installing ceiling joists and rafters. (This was before the day of prefabricated trusses.)

I was on the roof nailing the rafters into place. My dad was on the ground, cutting boards as I called down measurements to him. Everything was going fine until it came to the “hip” joints, rafters cut with three different angles. This was a challenge for an experienced carpenter—practically impossible for a 16-year-old boy.

After sizing up the situation, I tried to disguise my uncertainty and described how I thought the rafter needed to be cut. Using the measurements I had given and following my instructions, my dad cut the board and handed it up to me.

It did not fit. In fact, it didn’t come close. Sensing my dad’s frustration, I tried once again to describe how the rafter needed to be cut. Marking the lines with a framing square, he adjusted the saw and followed my instructions. My heart sank as I put the new rafter into place and discovered it too, was unusable.

As I lowered the ill-fitting board to my father, I attempted to give even clearer instructions. But before I could finish, he slammed the board to the ground in disgust and stomped off muttering something about my incompetence. I resisted the urge to retaliate. Rather than have words with my father, I quietly climbed down the ladder, put my nail apron and hammer in the pickup, and walked home.

We didn’t speak to each other that evening. I deliberately slept in the next morning so I wouldn’t have to go to work. Later that day as I ate lunch, I told my mom what had happened. She already knew. Dad had told her the whole story…that he was ashamed of how he acted and felt like he was a failure as a father. She said he cried.

You probably think this is odd, but my dad and I never discussed the incident. We didn’t need to. He knew I was hurt. I knew he was sorry. I went back to work as if it had never happened.

Every family has its “moments.” They were rare in mine. I’ve learned that in close relationships we don’t have to verbalize everything. We just know. And we understand.

About the Column: One to One is a regular feature of ONE Magazine. Written by Keith Burden, executive secretary of the National Association of Free Will Baptists, the column explores life, ministry...and the joys of grandchildren.