When You're the One Left Behind

by D. Ray Lewis

Losing a loved one is traumatic, especially when it is your spouse. The transition from wife to widow, husband to widower is a major life experience. The questions and decisions facing the one left behind can be overwhelming.

The survivor should not feel bad when he or she can’t do everything at one time. It would be nice if we could just snap our fingers and everything would be accomplished, but it doesn’t happen that way. There are no real supermen and superwomen when it comes to mourning the loss of a spouse. Some things need to be taken care of immediately, but others can wait until you get to them.

Consider ten simple suggestions that will help when faced with the death of your spouse.

1. Set up a file for copies of everything that has to do with the estate, including notes from telephone conversations.

2. Make to-do lists. Every time you complete a task, mark it off. When you think of some new item, add it to the list.

3. Know where all the important papers are before you need them. Does your spouse have a letter of instruction detailing his or her final wishes? You will need that even before making funeral arrangements. Do you know where to find the will, life insurance policies, birth certificate, Social Security card, military discharge papers, marriage license, car title, recent bank statements, and tax returns?

4. Go Slowly. If possible, delay making major decisions for at least six months after your spouse’s death. If this is not possible—if financial or other considerations force you to make a major decision—seek the best advice available. Major decisions include items such as selling your home, making major purchases, giving away large sums of money to children or charities, or moving in with an adult child. Any or all of these decisions may eventually be right for you, but slow down and give yourself time. You need to grieve.
   

5. Contact your spouse’s former employer. Check for unpaid wages, accrued and unpaid sick time and vacation days. Ask about retirement benefits and life insurance your spouse would have been entitled to receive.

6. Ask the funeral director for at least 10 death certificates. You will need one for creditors, the Social Security Administration, insurance claims, department of motor vehicles, etc.

7. Contact the Social Security Administration to notify them of your spouse’s death and check on your own Social Security benefit and your survivor benefit. If you and your spouse already have been collecting Social Security benefits, you should receive the larger of the two payments.
   

8. Order a copy of credit reports for both you and your spouse. This will help you locate any accounts or creditors of which you were not aware. Notify the credit bureaus of your spouse’s death. Destroy your spouse’s credit cards. Notify the card companies regarding your spouse’s death.

9. Go to the bank or any other financial institution where you have joint accounts and change those accounts to your name only.

10. Call the Motor Vehicle Administration to cancel your spouse’s license and arrange to have the titles on any vehicles changed to your name.
    

If you need help, ask for it. Remember the people who said, “If you need anything, just let me know”? If you need help, don’t hesitate to ask a friend, a family member, or a trusted financial planner for it. Losing a spouse is traumatic, and even though the pressing decisions may be overwhelming, you will get through it. Just give yourself time.

About the Writer: D. Ray Lewis joined the Free Will Baptist Board of Retirement in 1983. He became director in 2005 after serving for several years as assistant director.