It was December 1985 at the UNC Children’s Hospital in Chapel Hill, North
Carolina. The ICU neurologist explained he had diagnosed our two-month-old son Stephen with a deformity called Fatal Infantile Mitochondrial Myopathy with a Cytochrome C Oxidase Deficiency.
We transferred our baby back home to Pitt Memorial Hospital in Greenville. Seven months later, July 5, 1986, Stephen was gone. Both of us reflect on those days, how God worked to help us cope and hold on to those memories in healthy ways, how others ministered to our needs. These are the reasons we didn’t lose hope in God and His promises.
When we have tried to use the knowledge gained from our experience to help others, sometimes it seems as though we learned nothing at all. Grief is complex, with no pat answers. Pastor Wayne Bess recounts trying to cope with the death of his son Matt: “Even though I was a pastor and thought I understood and could relate to people going through [grief], I was wrong. Like most people, I didn’t know how to respond, or what to say.” [1]
Grief stems from many causes: health crisis, miscarriage, job loss, dashed dreams, serious accidents, ended relationships, abortion, financial instability, moving, and violence, to name a few. However, the most common trigger of intense grief by far comes from the death of a loved one.
This fierce pain is caused by death’s completeness and permanency. In Living Beyond Grief, Roy Harris describes his experience after the death of his wife Diana: “I remember entering the house with a terrible sense of emptiness and loss. I knew my life had changed, but little did I know that my whole world had been turned upside down.” [2]
In this article, we focus on grieving the death of a family member. However, these simple principles apply to most situations.
Grief Is Natural. Grief does not result from lack of faith. Grief is experienced by everyone, but we as believers should grieve with God’s promises in mind (1 Thessalonians 4:13-15). However, some grief is not normal. Understanding the difference between healthy grief and abnormal grief is important as we minister to others and process our own losses.
There Is No Normal Grief. Healthy grief recognizes the significance of our loss while helping us identify and manage the full extent of this life transition. By this process we learn to live with grief, not overcome it. There is no normal grief. No normal way or set timetable for intense sorrow to end. Grief is deeply individualized and depends on many variables. In A View From Grief’s Window,
Neil Gilliland observes, “I find the ‘cookbook’ approach to grief problematic….Just as individual personalities exist, so does the way in which we grieve….I think the important issue is not how we grieve but that we allow ourselves to grieve….There is no fixed time limit….Life moves forward. It never is in reverse. So, allow yourself to grieve in whatever form that takes for you, but grieve.” [3]
While we agree there is no such thing as normal grief, we think it important to identify typical behaviors associated with healthy grief: depression, loneliness, crying, guilt, anger, confusion, trouble concentrating, fatigue, health complaints, apathy, relationship problems, crises of faith, and feelings of hopelessness. [4]
To better understand the reason for these intense behaviors, remember the brain must suddenly reprocess everything (in every way) without the other person. The brain is overwhelmed. Stress hormones release in massive and continual doses as the brain responds to extreme feedback. Yet, we are not left alone in our sufferings. In 2 Samuel 12:21-23, healthy grief was modeled by David after the death of his son. He exclaimed his hope by saying: “I shall go to him.” David expressed the hope of Heaven.
There Is Abnormal Grief. Abnormal grief, also known as complicated grief, can sometimes be triggered by sudden death, suicide, murder, death of a child, or death after an especially prolonged illness. [5] We see an example of abnormal grief when we read about Jacob’s decades-long journey through complicated grief that began when his sons lied to him and told him Joseph died. He lamented, “I will go down into the grave unto my son mourning” (Genesis 37:35).
This type of grief produces a dangerous state of mind where a person is trapped in unchangeable mourning, experiencing prolonged hopeless despair, relentless unnatural yearning to be with the deceased, episodes when images/voices of the deceased are experienced as intrusive or troubling, unyielding denial, being sure the loved one is still alive, extreme avoidance/anger/emptiness, or clinical depression defined as persistent hopelessness, suicidal thoughts, deep sense of helplessness, prolonged slowed motor functions, or an inability to function at home or work. [6]
Complicated grief signals the need for professional help. In these cases, it is time for friends and family to lovingly intervene.
Healing Hands for the Hurting
During visitation the night before Stephen’s funeral, the one thing that stands out most in our memories was a friend who stood in front of Jon. Overcome with emotions, he couldn’t say what he wanted to say and finally fell on Jon’s shoulders, crying uncontrollably.
To best help others cope, Eddie Moody offers these simple suggestions: attend the funeral, sit and grieve with them, let them cry, and reassure them. [7] Next time you are standing in a receiving line, try to think of what to say in advance. You might tell the family how the deceased person touched your life by sharing a specific example.
Don’t try to stop the person from grieving by saying things like: “Be strong. Betty wouldn’t want you to cry. She’s skipping on the streets of gold.” In fact, words may not always be the best first option. “Understand that no words can take the pain away. Letting the person know you are there for them is more than enough.” [8]
Managing Our Own Loss
After the funeral flowers have wilted, and the loving casseroles are no longer appearing at your doorstep, the long road of grief can go in one of two directions. It can move into a lonely, harmful phase, or you can make choices that lead to healthy grieving. Despite all others may say and do, you are the best manager of your own grief. Left to itself, grief is likely to take the unhealthy path. For this reason, look to God for strength and pray for wisdom to make healthy choices.
“Understand that grieving takes time. It took more than an hour to draw close, and it will take more than an hour to come to terms with the death of your loved one. We grieve at different rates. Take your time. The most intense feelings could take one to three years before a person emerges from the emotional abyss of grief.” [9]
When to Refer or Seek Help
Seeking professional help for yourself is not a sign of weakness. Doing so simply acknowledges God has made us interdependent. Referring others for help through unhealthy grief shows competent caring. Failing to refer when grief gets complicated can put a person at serious risk. Do refer when: a person demonstrates an unyielding sense of guilt, hopelessness, or worthlessness; expresses suicidal thoughts; demonstrates slow speech or body movements, disfunction at work or home, or significant problems with hallucinations. Never leave a person alone if they are a danger to themselves or others. When in doubt, call a grief specialist. Immediately!
Because grief is so overwhelming, it calls for careful, overwhelming support.
About the Writers: Jon and Susan Forlines serve together at Welch College, where Jon is dean of students and vice president for Student Services, and Susan is dean of women. Learn more: www.welch.edu.
