Boundaries for the Pastor's Family

by Richard Atwood

You may have heard some of these sayings:

You Might Be a Pastor If…

• Taking your wife out to eat involves a Sunday potluck dinner.
  

• You ever use the phrase “That’ll preach!” in conversation.
  

• You have ever waded in a creek wearing a necktie.
  

• You have ever been tempted to take up an offering at a family reunion.
  

• You have ever wanted to give the church soundman some feedback of your own.
  

• You can find a sermon in every country song.

You Might Be a Pastor’s Wife If…

• You’ve been the alternate pianist whether you play the piano or not.
  

• Every summer you counsel at camp for your vacation.
  

• You can pray sincerely for someone’s dog.
  

• People think your husband works only three hours a week.
  

• You can teach Sunday School and hold a baby at the same time.

Some of these things are funny because they are true. The job of a pastor can be tough, and sometimes, it can be tough on the pastor’s wife and family. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not whining. I think being a pastor (or pastor’s wife) is a great privilege and opportunity. Most pastors (and home missionaries) I know are dedicated and hard working. Most pastors’ wives are giving all for the ministry. Many home missionary wives rarely get to be in church on Sunday because they are teaching children or working in the nursery. I know of a home missionary wife who works full time and yet fixes breakfast every Sunday morning for the congregation. Her heart is in the ministry, just like her husband's.

Jesus told His disciples in Mark 6:31, “Come ye yourselves apart into a desert place, and rest a while: for there were many coming and going, and they had no leisure so much as to eat.” Let’s help the minister’s family by setting some boundaries between them and total exhaustion.

Give them a day off. God gave us one day out of seven as a day of rest. For many years, I preached twice every Sunday morning, taught Sunday School, had people over for dinner, and preached again on Sunday night. I’m not complaining. I loved Sundays!

But, I knew I was going to rest on Monday. I think pastors will do a better job the other six days a week if they make sure they take a whole day away from the work. Help your pastor by trying not to call him on his day off. If he is working another full-time job besides being a pastor, give him some space on Sunday afternoons, Saturdays, and evenings.

Encourage them to take a vacation. Pastors need some vacation time each year…and this doesn’t mean going to the national convention. Our family always took the week after the convention for vacation. We were already in a different city.

• Leave a Message. Let your pastor know that he doesn’t have to answer the phone while the family is eating dinner or enjoying family time. Leave a message, and he can call back later.
  

• Guard family time. I think it is nice for all families to eat at least one meal together each day. This is good for pastors, too. We had a family night each week. I didn’t take appointments that night. No meetings were scheduled. If someone called with marriage problems, I told them we would talk after church on Sunday. Their problem had been going on for years and wouldn’t be solved during my family night. When my three sons were young, we pushed the tables back and wrestled every family night. When they got big enough to beat me in wrestling, we started playing tennis.
  

• Make date night possible. Help your pastor and his wife take time for their own marriage. Offer to keep the kids. Slip him a gift card to a nearby restaurant.
  

• Develop reasonable expectations. The pastor’s wife doesn’t have to head up every ministry in the church, or even the WAC. Let her serve where she feels gifted. Sure, the preacher’s kids should behave, but no children are perfect. Try clenching your fist as hard as you can. You can do it for a while, but you soon have to relax it. The same is true of ministry.
  

A pastor’s job never ends. There is always more work to do. Creating these good boundaries can help pastors (and their families) be more effective and happier. In turn, their churches will be happier.

About the Writer: Richard Atwood is director of missionary assistance for Home Missions. Learn more about Home Missions at www.homemissions.net.