The blessings and challenges of raising children in a cross-cultural setting...

Third-Culture Kids

by Dana Portell, a third-culture mom

Rearing children in a cross-cultural setting presents a unique set of challenges as well as many benefits. We were concerned about obstacles like acquisition of a new language and culture, feelings of abandonment or grief at leaving familiar people, and potential loss of identification with American culture. Unexpected and unforeseen challenges arose as well.

Educational Challenges

Our children were in K3 and first grade when we set out on our cross-cultural adventure. While our oldest flourished in the acquisition of this new language and culture, our youngest stopped speaking in any language. He faced verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of a teacher with no patience for foreign children. Since Darren and I attended language school full-time and could not speak the language, we felt powerless to defend our child. Only God’s presence sustained this mother’s heart through those dark days of language school.

Education has been an unforeseen challenge to our family. Although our children are now in middle and high school, only once have they enjoyed the same school for two consecutive years. We have learned to evaluate educational choices on an annual basis.

Our children have been educated in Christian, public, and home school. We appreciate the benefits and acknowledge the challenges that accompany each education choice.

Family Ties

As a family, we committed to keep strong connections with our families stateside. We talked with family members as often as possible via Skype. We were blessed with visits from many friends and family members. Through our commitment to staying connected with loved ones in the States, our children felt more connected with American culture as well.

Since our adventure began, we have moved 12 times and lived on three continents, with another move planned in the coming months. Stability and cultural identity have been redefined for us. Instead of a geographic home, we identify home based on family, people, and community. We understand the command to be sojourners who are looking for their eternal, heavenly home.

Hello. Goodbye.

For our children, “hello” is the same as “goodbye.” They have been learning to say “goodbye” since they were preschoolers. We routinely hosted student teams from the U.S. These students filled our home with life and love for ten full days of excitement, and then they left. We worked with a church that was a haven for college students studying abroad. The students became “family” for a semester, and then they left. Our teammates became “family” for years, and then they left. Our parents visited for a few weeks, and then left. We would return to the States for a year, make friends, join a church family, and then we would leave. We poured our lives into families with whom we shared the love of Christ, and then we left. “Leaving” plays a large part in our lives.

The challenge is to leave well. Our children tend to stay in the game until the final seconds, because we chose to lead them by example in this area. We feel this has been the most beneficial to our ministries—to stay fully engaged until we step on the plane.

However, it is hard for the soul. The memories of sitting on too many planes feeling as if the wind had been knocked out of me is as strong as if it happened yesterday. Constant leaving can weary the soul. Only time will tell if we have made solid parenting choices in this area, but we are happy that our children make strong, personal connections with others and remain fully engaged until the last second. God has been faithful in soothing our aching hearts during these times of parting.

Coming “Home”

Returning to their passport culture is a challenge for most children who spend time overseas. Although our children look exactly like everyone else, they are very different culturally from mono-cultural children. They have learned to be careful when speaking to their peers about the other countries where they have lived. Some peers have told them “go back where you came from, foreigner” or have called them harsh names like “terrorist” for expressing a homesickness for these other countries.

We did not foresee the challenges of rearing our children in a fishbowl. We learned early in our stateside assignment we would never be super-parents pleasing everyone all the time. Initially, we were quite shocked by the open criticism we received from well-meaning people. Eventually, their criticism led us to develop a plan for parenting that allowed us to be consistent in our discipline methods while contextualizing our style to fit the culture of the church.

For example, our children learned to say, “Yes, sir” when we traveled in the South, even though it was not required in our home. These lessons were useful tools when we transitioned to overseas cultures with our children.

Maximizing the Benefits

Although the list of challenges for parents of third-culture kids is exhaustive, so is the list of blessings. A few weeks ago, our youngest said to me, “Mom, I think it is so weird that people feel sorry for us because we grew up overseas. Don’t they know that we have the best life ever?”

I feel our children believe this to be true for two reasons. We have intentionally focused on maximizing the benefits of life overseas instead of maximizing the challenges. We, as parents, deeply believe and express verbally this life to which God called us is far sweeter than any life we could have hoped or imagined for ourselves.

In the early days of this adventure, we acknowledged we could do little to minimize the typical challenges our children would face living overseas. Spending all our energy in this area would be futile. We accepted the challenges by trusting God to lessen the difficulties when appropriate and/or to provide His strength and His grace to live through them.

We chose instead to focus our resources on maximizing the benefits. Our children have traveled in the countries we have lived and to surrounding countries as much as possible. Just before leaving our last assignment, we had a car full of girls who were all preparing to return to the U.S. after living in Europe and Africa. As the girls discussed the states to which they were moving, they giggled as they realized they knew European and African geography very well but could not estimate if Tennessee, Michigan, Minnesota, and California were close enough to see one another often.

When our children see a picture of the Eiffel Tower, their senses flood with the sound of French car horns in traffic, the rumble of the Metro underground, and the smell of fresh baguettes. When they see a film set in the desert, they feel the sting of a sandstorm, they feel the scorching of their skin as the sun beats down, they feel the rhythm of the camel walking up and down the dunes, and they smile at the memories of desert dwellers with warm hearts and quick smiles.

Multi-lingual, Multi-cultural

We have been careful to acknowledge the benefit of being multi-lingual. Our children are fluent in speaking, reading, and writing two languages. In addition, they can read and write in a third language. Our children have friends from all over the world and friends scattered around the world. The richness of their experiences is overwhelming at times.

Our children have been allowed to experience the world on a large scale. Instead of viewing a subject like history with a mono-cultural perspective, our children can see history from an American, European, or African perspective. They have learned to watch the news in a different way than their American peers. They care deeply about the suffering of others because they have been in the homes of the poor and afflicted. Their experiences allow them an empathy with others that can only be gained by seeing poverty and suffering firsthand.

Our youngest has become an advocate for children in Africa who are oppressed by rebel armies. He spontaneously requested his teacher to allow him time to make a presentation to educate his classmates them about these child soldiers. Their life experiences have forever changed them.

Spiritual Growth

The greatest benefit afforded our children is their spiritual experience. Often we feel we have done far less formal spiritual instruction than we would have preferred, but we know they have been afforded a rich spiritual instruction through experiences. Our children have a heart-level understanding of God’s character because they have walked dark paths.

In our last overseas assignment, our physical safety was an area of concern. We were serving in a restricted access country, and we were exposed as missionaries. There were moments of panic. But we also knew days and months of inexplicable peace that comes only from placing your hand firmly in His for every step.

Our children had front row seats for that experience. Their peers who were unbelievers confronted them. They felt the uncomfortable tension, knowing we could be expelled from the country at any moment, and they watched other families forced to leave. They experienced what it means to live out our faith clinging to the Unchanging One. They heard us profess with our mouths that the One who lead us in would be the only One to lead us out. They prayed with us as we waited for God’s timing and direction. And their faith grew along with ours.

When our youngest tells me we don’t have to fear what our next destination holds for us because the same God that is with us here will go with us there, we are grateful he has a heart knowledge of God’s faithfulness.

About the Writer: Dana and her family have served in restricted access countries, living and sharing their faith in difficult circumstances. They currently live and work in the United States.Learn more about Free Will Baptist International Missions at www.fwbgo.com.